Is it child abuse if I send my kids to live in a cave?

Today, I searched Bisbee, Arizona- a unique, nearby town- for houses. Bisbee is built into a mountain. It is basically... I don't know, amazingly beautiful. Many of the houses do not have garages or driveways or carports because you have to climb up stairs and hills to access the house. Can you imagine what that would do for my thighs and butt? I'd be like J-Lo over here, or Kim Kardashian...or any other celebrity with a big booty that you may have googled and happened upon my page. Don't be too disappointed, you're a perv for googling them anyway. I kid, kid. But seriously, stay on my site. Make me happy. I want to look like those women that you want to look at.....

I drove by a house that caught my eye because 1) it had a 'for sale' sign on it. 2) It was YELLOW. That might only make sense to you mom, so let me explain. I love the crap out of yellow. A yellow house is like a dream for me. As a kid, I drew yellow houses. Really, yellow is about the best color you could paint a house if it weren't going to be some super boring color like tan or white or brick. I WANT this yellow house. I bounce out of the car to grab a flyer. It's a house built in 1900, but it's gorgeous. Beautiful flooring, remodeled kitchen, looks good...WHAT IS THIS I SEE?! A CAVE?!

A cave, folks. A cave.

Yes, I did say...a cave. Like, a real cave. This house was built into the mountain RIGHT NEXT TO A FRIGGIN' CAVE.

My heart sinks when I notice the square footage...1010 square feet...maybe it has 4 bedrooms all squeezed into that. No, of course not. That would be silly. It doesn't even have 2. It has one...and a half...bedrooms. *sigh.

My brain starts turning....I could build three more bedrooms into it...no...no probably not. Besides size constraints, they would look like a 5 year old did it as I am not too .... constructionally inclined....

I could....have....the kids...LIVE IN THE CAVE!!!! PURE GENIUS! Of course!!! They would LOVE it!!! After all, I have read stories of boy scouts surviving for WEEKS in caves living off of spiders. Between my cooking and the spiders, why, they would never be malnourished!!! Think of the fun! Think of MY quiet!!! Then reality sinks in again. I guess I have to find some other totally awesome house with a cave.

Before we left Bisbee, we had dinner and walked through the town a little. I kid you not, I saw the CRAZIEST people there. It was like visiting peopleofwalmart.com but not in Walmart, but in a town. I saw TWO crazy eyed people in a row. They were scary. Then I wondered if they, too, decided to live in a cave.

Also, since I almost died today on my house hunting expedition, I decided that maybe it's all for the best. Driving UP the 70% incline hill with German-sized roads seemed like a bad idea...and it WAS, indeed, a bad idea. Driving back DOWN the hill most definitely almost killed me-not from Anthony's reckless driving, no, but from my near-heart attack. I saw Jesus and the light today. It was beautiful, and Heaven looked like Bisbee, Arizona.