Don't try this at home

I have never tried illegal drugs, nor have I been around any 'drug pushers.' I wouldn't know drugs if they were right in front of me, as evidenced by two occasions in my past....

She must REALLY like to cook!!!

Once I was hanging around with a few friends of mine and we stopped the house of  a friend's girlfriend. It was kind of an in-and-out ordeal, but I did spot a large ziplock baggie full of green spices. I thought nothing of it. As we were driving away from this girl's house, this is about how the conversation went:

Them-"DID YOU SEE HER BAG OF REEFER?!!"

"YEAH, IT WAS CRAZY MAN"

Me- "What's reefer? Where was it?"

Them- "Oh stop the act. You know what we mean. Mar-i-juaaaana..."

Me- "WE WERE AROUND DRUGS?!"

I was totally freaked out. The thought of the possibility of being caught in that house and being arrested for a bag of what looked like herbs... I was freaking out. And if I couldn't convince my buddies that I was that ignorant...well...I was going to spend some time in the slammer...

Police officers know their stuff.

Once I was cleaning out my then-husband's trunk and found a bag of white powder. My immediate thought was, "Oh MY....he is doing cocaine!!!!" I remembered how I somehow knew that an odor I was smelling was marijuana instinctively...my mind then went to the cop shows where the police find a powdery substance and taste it with a fingertip and somehow know it's cocaine. We've all seen that, right?

So I have this bag and think to myself, well I knew marijuana and cocaine is probably just as distinct... My finger goes into the bag and I take a taste.

IMMEDIATE BURNING. EYES WATERING. TONGUE ON FIRE. ITCHINESS EVERYWHERE.

I wipe away the tears from my eyes to run upstairs and call husband. MORE BURNING. EYES ON FIRE. I explain to him what has happened. I could tell that he wanted to laugh really hard. I didn't understand why. He instructed me to immediately dress down naked, don't touch my clothes, shower, and then call him back.

Burning is going away. Less itchy. Eyes getting less teary. Call husband. This is what I hear:

"Candice?" *snickering in background, loud talking.

"Yes, it's me. WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME?"

*Laughing from the background. Laughing from husband.

"You just ate CS, Candice."

"I don't even KNOW what that is. What is CS? What just happened? You aren't doing cocaine?!"

*rolling laughter in background.

"No, Candice. CS is the chemical they use in the gas chamber for Army training. You probably just injested like the amount it takes to gas an entire room....*trying to control laughing....are you ....snicker....okay now?"

*feeling incredibly dumb. "yes, I'm okay."

My ex was a chemical soldier and was in charge of the gas chamber training for the unit. He didn't anticipate crazy suspicious wife...

So, the moral of my story is....don't go watching Columbo thinking you can go save the world with a paper clip. It doesn't work like it does on television.