I am not a good dog owner. Hillbillies are.

I really love dogs. Especially dogs that are still in the form of a puppy. What comes to mind is, "I want to hug him and squeeze him and call him MY OWN!!!" They are so cute. I could squeeze a dog until it's eyes popped out. Seriously. I get a little hyper twinge. It makes me want to seriously squeeze the crap out of a dog. Out of love, like Lenny in "Of Mice and Men."

Okay, so I am in my early 30's and I can roughly estimate that I have bought and attempted to own about...hmmm....10 dogs. That makes me have a new dog almost every year I have been an adult. That alone makes me suck at being a dog owner. I've had friends place bets on how long I will keep my next dog. Everytime my brother thinks he hears a dog in the background his voice fills with laughter (without laughing) and says, Candice, did you get another dog? My mom's voice goes suspiciously monotone and quiet when I tell her about my new puppy that I will love and hold forever and ever and ever.

I don't understand what my problem is. I really want a dog, still to this day. That makes me retarded in a way, really. I am crazy over analytical and these points come to mind:

Dogs need ENDLESS attention. I guess that is why I get along with cats. I have looked for dogs that have cat personalities and can survive on the attention I give them when I feel like it. Why not own a cat, you ask? I don't know. Probably because I know I suck at owning a dog and I want to conquer that. I have seen toothless hillbillies with dogs. My attitude on life in general is that if someone else can do something, so can I. So what the heck?! Okay, Einstein had a cool 'fro and a large brain and solved math problems that make my head hurt and Itzhak Perlman is freaking amazing on the violin, yeah yeah. But freaking hillbillies can own a dog and I cannot?! They can't even manage to brush their teeth. Which reminds me...

Dogs lick you. IN THE MOUTH.  Um, gross? Maybe that's why hillbillies make good dog owners. They let dogs lick them in the mouth all day. Don't give me that "dogs' mouths are cleaner than ours"crap. Do you lick your butt? Do you walk in other dogs' feces and then bite your toenails? Maybe hillbillies think that they don't need to brush their teeth because they have heard the whole load of crap about dogs having clean mouths and they think they keep cleaning their teeth. 


Dogs don't come potty trained. I realize this every time I buy a dog, don't get me wrong. Every time, I think, "no problem, they have little tiny puppy bladders and they can't help it. They are like children. Must be patient..." Then the dog pees on the floor and I'm all, "it's okay puppy, you do that outside." I take the dog outside and it finishes peeing and I exaggeratively praise the puppy as my puppy training manual tells me to do. I give puppy treats. I play with puppy. Supposedly, puppies thrive on positive reinforcement. I try this for about a week. Puppy tells me it needs to go outside. I take puppy outside. It pees. I am encouraged. Then, 2 seconds after Puppy comes back inside it poos on my floor. YOU WERE JUST OUTSIDE WHY THE HECK DID YOU JUST DO THAT?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND. Hillbillies understand. They need to pee in the middle of the floor randomly all the time.

Dogs have weird problems. Like worms and fleas and ticks and ... other weird stuff. I had a puppy once that threw up violently because it had worms and it made me sick every time I got home from work. Hillbillies have weird problems too. They only need to share their medicine with their dogs. They know the symptoms of a worm infestation and can react appropriately with a swiftness only another hillbilly could match.

Dogs chew stuff. Seriously. One puppy chewed my 100 dollar Apple cord. I had to buy another one. I tried to replace it under warranty. I called and Apple was all like, "oh yeah, no problem, we are sending it out now (happiness) and we won't charge you if we determine it was a manufacturer mistake." (CRAP) There is NO way I can hide the stupid teeth marks on my cord. Hillbillies don't own computers. Which is in part why I am not afraid of the hillbilly bashing here. Don't tell your hillbilly neighbor where I live please.

Dogs bark. A lot. At apparently nothing. This is especially annoying at 5 in the morning. Hillbillies don't sleep. They are crazy. Barking at 5 a.m. makes them feel happy and less lonely.

Dogs smell bad. I don't like the smell of dogs. They stink. I have had a couple of big dogs, little dogs, hairy dogs, wire-hair dogs...they all stink. I wash them and put cute bows on them and douse them in both people and dog cologne, but they smell bad. And that bothers me. Hillbillies can't smell the terribleness because they, too smell bad.

Despite all of these negatives, I really want a cute little fuzzy doggy that will love me and *want* to lick me, but won't because he knows that I don't like licking. I also know that a toothbrush is better than dog tongue and I would like to keep my teeth. I also need a dog that isn't all ferocious and crazy around kids. Oh, I have three little ones. They pretty much rock and I probably don't need a dog to add to the craziness around the house. Okay, never mind. I don't want a dog....yet....or do I???

DISCLAIMER:
**So I was obsessing while laying in bed last night over how this post may have come off. No, I am not trying to imply that ALL dogowners are hillbillies nor I am saying that all hillbillies are dogowners. I know plenty of successful, non-hillbilly dogowners. Actually, I don't personally know any hillbilly dogowners ...or any hillbillies for that matter. I just like to imagine that hillbillies are good at something. Being a good dogowner is hard to do (I know this firsthand) and I commend the good hillbillies out there that can do it.