Joys of Motherhood: Smells

Welcome to a whole new segment of my blog: the Joys of Motherhood. I am a mother of three, absolutely wonderful and adorable kids-Isaac (9), Matthew (6), and Isabelle(1). They all have beautiful personalities and my love for them is indescribable. Now that I've cleared that up...on to today's topic: Smells.

I remember the times where my brother and I probably left some stenches in the house-for instance when we microwaved gummi bears in to a massive melt of gummies which became so stuck to the bowl that we threw it and the spoon away. (sorry, mom) Love us still? :D There was also the time where my brother lit a firework in his bedroom..or the time he played in tar and brought that home with him. However, nothing quite prepared me for the smells that would fill my house.

When pregnant with your first child, people tell you horror stories of smelly diapers, poop-up-the-back diapers, spit up, and child vomit. The truth is that those types of offenses are just the tip of the iceberg.

Isaac paints the Living Room
Isaac had just turned one and was playing in the living room while I cooked dinner. Surely my dinner doesn't smell that bad, I thought. Oh, wait. Isaac must have had a poop-yyy!! I went to retrieve Isaac to change his diaper when I discovered that Isaac decided to take matters into his own hands. Literally. He had figured out how to take his diaper off and decided that well, there was too much white in the house. Paint the white couch BROWN!!! Paint the white walls BROWN!!! Paint hot wheels BROWN!!!! Paint the brown floor....okay...recolor it different shade of BROWN!!!! And in case it wasn't clear, I am not talking actual paint here. Though the smell at the time could have peeled paint.This was actually kind of impressive as I was only in the kitchen for five minutes.

Time for a New Car, Honey!!
I was called in to the daycare from work to pick up my sweet, sick Isaac. He had a fever and needed to be quarantined from the kids who most likely made him sick to begin with. Isaac was gracious enough to give a full one seconds notice that his tummy felt sick before he barfed all over my car. The car (my original beetle) was sold about a month later. WHAT?! I needed a more practical, family-oriented car anyway!! Never mind that I got another bug a few years later...

I just moved into this house in July. Here is a recent history of the passing smells I have the pleasure of inhaling:

Od' de Frog Gie
A few weeks ago the boys explored a nearby pond and found an abundance of tadpoles and newly transformed frogs. They were oh-so-cute that we took some home with us in an empty water bottle we were carrying. Isaac did not want these frogs to suffocate, so he left the lid off of the bottle. I was in Isaac's room with Anthony and Isabelle and suddenly smelled death. I looked at Anthony in disgust, I honestly thought something died inside him. I never thought I would ever say this, but oh how I wish that it could have been a foul gassy emission. At least the poop particles from a fart dissipate. Isabelle tried to release these poor froggies and had spilled the bottle all over the carpet next to Isaac's bed. It was sad seeing the frogs laying on the carpet as if in some sort of horrible battlefield scene.

Od' de Perfume
Yes, perfume. Yesterday Isabelle found my bottle of perfume and I noticed that she was carrying it around, but didn't really think twice about it. *dumb move* She dropped the bottle of perfume and came over to me. I hadn't heard the impact of the bottle hitting the floor but smelled it immediately. I wasn't sure what happened, I thought maybe she had sprayed herself but the strong was way too strong for that. The bottle had broken open and there was a huge puddle of perfume in the middle of the living room.  So if you are paying attention, my house smells like death and perfume, so basically like an old folks' home. On a positive note, my floor sure does shine!

P.S. I know I haven't gone back to my car stories. I will get there....I'm just bored with it at the moment....

I hate Wall-e

Please stop putting cockroaches in my movies. Wall-e was intolerable and I will never eat a twinkie again. I have to close my eyes tightly during that scene in Enchanted...I will NEVER watch Joe's Apartment based on what I have been told. They are not cute or funny. In fact, there is nothing remotely appealing about a cockroach. It makes my fingers feel filthy merely typing out the word.

You know what? I just tried to research this vile bug for you and couldn't even sit and read about them. I started feeling creepy crawly and actually ran away from my computer screen when confronted with a disgusting picture of this creature. I don't know if I can even finish this post.

Hoping cockroach picture will magically disappear from my laptop

(*three days later...not kidding) I just found out that the name of my fear is Katsaridaphobia.

UPDATE because Anthony said this post was boring and needed more stories.


In order for me to produce a complete post, any references to the above mentioned bugs will be under the alias 'butterfly'. So when you read 'butterfly' you know what I mean....AND DON'T EXPECT PICTURES, I CAN'T DO IT.

Shower Curtain
When I first moved into this house I was putting a second shower curtain up in the boys' bathroom. I saw a butterfly scurry up the curtain. It was by far, the LARGEST butterfly I had ever seen in my life. I flipped out and ran out of the bathroom screaming.

"BUTTERFLY!! BUTTERFLY!!! THERE'S A DINOSAUR SIZED BUTTERFLY IN THE FREAKING BATHROOM!!!!!"

Anthony, "Calm down, calm down, sheesh. Where is it?"

Me, "On the curtain!!!! Oh, I'm going to be sick!!!"

Anthony, "There's NO BUTTERFLY, Candice. Nothing. Calm down. (seriously annoyed)"

Me, "LOOK AGAIN, YES THERE IS!!! I SAW IT!!"

Anthony, "There's NO.....holy crap! *slams door shut* What the...? *whack, whack* Son of a....*bang bang* HOW in the ...." *whack whack*

Me, "NO butterfly, eh?" *snicker*

...5 minutes later.....

Anthony comes out in shock, eyes wide. He vaguely resembled a man who had just seen their grandmother naked. I'm surprised he didn't curl up in a ball shaking.  All I know is that I was very smug about the whole ordeal.

Horror film material
The next story I am about to tell you is 100% true. It is by no means an exaggeration. I can't even begin to tell you how amazingly disgusting this is. But it is absolutely true.

I used to work in an old Army barracks building. I hated working there because not a day would go by that I didn't have to see some stupid butterfly in the hallways of the building. That is not the bad part.

One day, I walked into the bathroom and *very regretfully* looked over to my right because I say something moving. It was not just something, it was about 1,000 somethings. Or more. The ceiling tiles were rotting horribly and there were literally hundreds of butterflies falling out of the ceiling. They covered the shower floor to the point where at certain parts of the shower floor they were in piles halfway to my knees. Most were dead, but many were alive.

I left the bathroom screaming. This caused everyone in their offices to come out. I explained what I saw and *knowing my fear of butterflies they blew me off and walked in to inspect this claim and found that there was no describing this situation. The commander had a few soldiers come in with those large 20 gallon large trashcans...

It took 4 or 5 of those trashcans (full) to clean the mess up.

I never stepped foot into that bathroom again.

Okay, this wasn't a funny post, sorry to disappoint....I am thoroughly disgusted now. *sigh

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE:
I had to go through and delete my cookies on my computer so that no 'butterfly' searches would somehow be on the computer anymore.

What really happened in the Garden of Eden

Eve

The Bible tells us all about how God instructed Adam and Eve that all was theirs in the Garden with the exception of the forbidden fruit. Satan came in the form of a snake to tempt Eve with this fruit, she ate it and we were all doomed to be sinners from that day forward.

Now, I am not debating these facts, but I think I might have some insight into Eve's mind. I think she and I had something more in common other than gender or that we both look good in green. ADHD.

Let's think about this...what if, maybe, Eve never heard God's instructions? Eve could have been focusing on the fact that Adam had nipples and she was pondering what good his nipples did him as he was a male creature and male creatures don't lactate. I know that would have distracted me from even the most important speech. Just the other day my boss came over and talked to me for about 10 minutes and all I heard was him saying at the end "that's really important, okay? Can you do that for me?" That was an 'oh, crap' moment.

So maybe Eve was with God when he said, it's all yours and then she caught a glimpse of nipplage (because they were unclothed) and she was distracted when God said except....then refocused where He was reiterating how much He loved them and to enjoy themselves. Then when Satan came along and was all trying to tempt her, she didn't understand why he was talking all slowly and like he was trying to be manipulative, because what's the big deal? God said it was all ours! I would totally understand that and forgive Eve for that distraction-I mean, really, what are male's nipples for anyway? Symmetry?

Really, it all kind of makes sense now. Eve wasn't disobedient! ADHD is inherited, and besides, we were created in His image. God could have created the useless male nipple in a moment of total distraction. Saturn is a beautiful planet, after all. So, God, can we have our innocence back? j/k. Forgive me. No, really. Please?

I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up

It's pretty normal for a child to change her mind several times when deciding on what she wants to be when she grows up. I'm special. I'm not sure I'll ever really figure out the answer to that question. I have compiled a short list of a few of the jobs I have wanted to have as a grown up.

If I want to get all psychoanalytical on myself, I'd say most of my choice professions share a few attributes in common: exclusivity, years of required schooling (I love school), and really cute outfits. The following is by no means an all inclusive list.

Palaeontologist
My interest in digging up and researching dinosaur bones came early in life. I loved dinosaurs and I loved digging. What would be a better job than to combine those two things?

Archaeologist
This stemmed from my interest in palaeontology. I soon became interested in much more than just bones. Jewels, gold, hairs of people from the past, and they would be ALL MINE...

Children's Author
I have a really twisted sense of humor...maybe too twisted for the kids...I once wrote a book about the toothfairy called, "The Unauthorized Biography of the Toothfairy". It was basically a story of how the toothfairy came to be....which included her losing her teeth in a war. This is not quite the reaction one would desire from telling a story to a child:

Concert Violinist
I actually did play for a local symphony for a season. I found that I can't really enjoy playing with the symphony. I found it hard to focus because I could not even hear myself. How was I going to become famous if no one could hear me?! Then, as if my inner diva isn't insulted enough, it is customary to dress in black. BLACK. I was trapped in a sea of boringly-dressed emo clones. 

Not even my mom could find me.

Doctor
I really want to be a surgeon. I love meticulous work, so I think I would really excel at brain or heart surgery. I would also be a good surgeon because I have superpower hyperfocusability. (thanks Mom!)  If I am in a hyperfocus I won't even see a T-Rex tap dancing in front of me in a top hat eating ice cream with sparkly ... well...maybe I might notice the sparkles....I do like sparkles...Okay, so there would be a 'no sparkly' rule in my O.R. I could do that, because I would be a doctor.

Added Bonus: Doctors have the ability to shout out that they need something STAT.

That guy needs arms STAT

Cowgirl
I'm not sure why, but I think always thought it would be super cool to walk around like this:

I think part of my problem is that I like school so much. When I am away from school, I find excuses to go back to school. I think this is going to be me in 30 years....

Lifetime Learner. Lost legs in Archaeological dig.

The Blue Beast makes a Left turn

I am a hypercompetitive person, so when I was introduced to the 'new girl', I already didn't like her. I was the previous new girl, and besides, she just moved from another city in the state, I moved from New Jersey. When I found out she played the violin like I did, my disdain for her grew. But, she was too good, as she put it, to play in the school orchestra or any of the youth orchestras. This made me believe that she was in fact probably not that good and she was no longer my competition. For all I know, she could have been the next Itzhak Perlman, but I was okay with not ever finding out. I put aside my competitiveness and got to know this new new girl and decided I still didn't like her. She was Miss Negativity and was always frowning and angry at something. One day, she approached me at my locker and requested a ride home.

When I earned my driver's license my parents specified that I was not to drive with any of my friends in the car without their permission. I quickly rattled off this rule to her, thankful for it at this point because I didn't want to listen to her complain on the way to her house. She was relentless, telling me that if I didn't drive her home that she might get hit by a car because it's a dangerous walk, and besides, her house is only two miles away. I have always (and still do) have a problem telling people 'no' so I went ahead and told her I would do it. I brought along the foreign exchange student we had staying at our house that year.

Blue Beast's last unblemished moment

"Turn left HERE," new new girl said.

I approached a green light and slowed down to make a left turn. I saw a little yellow car approaching, but it was off in the distance a bit. I continued with my turn.

In case of impending accident, ignore all others in the car

New new girl completely FREAKED out. She was screaming at me to stop. I was so confused that I stopped. I stopped just in time for yellow car to hit the poor Blue Beast right on the passenger door. In retrospect, I think this may have been God asking her to shut up.

Yellow car driver was angry

Not only did the blue beast suffer horrible cosmetic damage to the passenger door, it could no longer use its passenger door. On prom night, (I drove) my date had to crawl across the front seat in his tuxedo to exit the beast.

I learned two valuable lessons that day: ignore stupid people because God will shut them up and obey your parents.



Next to the driving horribly series:  Fender Benders and escaping Mac Trucks!

Hiding is not my forte

I know that I am supposed to be presenting you with one of my way-too-many car accident stories, but that is just depressing and I need a brake.  Do you like that? Not break, but brake? like car brakes? :O) Besides, it is not at all fun to draw rectangle cars and circle tires. By the way, weren't my tires awesome?

Okay, onto today's subject. Hiding with the intent to scare. My dad was able to successfully scare me hundreds of times by hiding in my room before I went to bed. You would think that his preparation and training that I would be able to withstand any one's attempt at scaring me and that I would have learned this sacred technique. Unfortunately, I missed something in those lessons. You see, I am an easy target. Don't ever throw a surprise party for me. YOU HEAR THAT? DON'T ...DO...IT...

I hope to gain some insight into why my scare tactics don't work. Maybe you can even make suggestions yourself. I have outlined some of my common techniques. I don't fear sharing these with you because I have never had a successful scare with any of them, therefore it won't ruin the moment in the case of a real scare attempt.

I think the problem arises when I have to wait long enough for me to imagine Anthony's the person's face when I scare them. I like to imagine that there will be some sort of scream or yelp associated with look of fear in the eyes and a jump back.

Intended result. Very funny. That's not Anthony.

Hide in the Closet
I like this technique. Hiding in a closet does not play into my claustrophobia. I can breathe in open air and am not confined to standing in one position.

Note to self: less coffee, also, think about something not funny. Like shoes. But shoes can be funny....crap.

Behind the Door
This isn't a bad idea, because who would expect someone to randomly pop out from behind the door? I don't like this as much because I have to hold very, very still. I think that it looks like this when I hide:

But in reality, it probably looks more like this:

Not so stealthy

Beside the Bed

What I think I look like

Reality

Hiding under the Covers

Again, what I think I look like

Reality

Suggestions, anyone?

P.S. To the person who almost gave me a heart attack this morning, beware. I am about to get the best advice ever and you, Anthony PERSON, should be scared.

P.P.S. To the readers of my car accident series, I will try to continue that tomorrow. I have to allow myself to recover from too much rectanglage.

Attack of the Killer Garage

The day after I was granted my driver's license I wrecked four cars, a garage, and a house with one vehicle. No one else was driving. Just me. Jealous? Yeah, probably not.

My aunt was visiting our house and had parked her car (naturally) in our driveway. I was awaiting a first date from a guy that I was completely in love with. He tried to pull into our driveway but could not because my aunt's car was too far back. My aunt says to me, "Oh Candice! You can move it!! You have your license now! Here you go!" She tossed the keys to her car my way. I didn't even catch them. That should have been a sign for what was to come...

I took the keys anyway and headed to her car to move it forward.

I slowly pressed the gas pedal and moved forward. I had pulled forward enough for dreamy boyfriend to pull in. As I pressed on the brakes, the car didn't stop.

I panicked and slammed on the 'other' pedal thinking I had my foot on the wrong pedal. I did not. The car quickly accererated and slammed into the garage. (I had been used to the Blue Beast's amazing ability to quickly stop as my foot commanded it to stop.)

So of course, the car didn't just hit the garage. The garage door fell from it's hinges onto the two cars parked inside of the garage.

Then, the garage collaped onto the two cars in the driveway. One of the cars inside of the garage did not have its parking brake engaged. That car crashed through the other side of the garage.

I was frozen in fear. I prayed that this was just a dream....

My mom on the left, Aunt on the right

My dad took an hour long walk. I'm not even sure he spoke to me that night.

Dreamy boyfriend stuck around for a while, but I never did get a raincheck on that date.

I worked for a long time paying for the deductibles on my aunt's and parent's insurances as well as the house insurance deductible....I think they helped out... Unfortunately, this was not at all the last accident I had that year...and this was in October.


Next in my driving history: The left arrows aren't just there for variety..

The Blue Beast

Upon reading my next posting, two, or three (depending on how I decide to split these stories up); don't be inclined to avoid me while driving. I assure you my driving skills have improved much in the past ten years or so. It was the first five ... six... or seven (give or take) driving years that I consider to be the "crash test dummy" years. My parents, in their infinite wisdom, must have known that I would first need an armored car. They graciously allowed me to borrow theirs (which was the next best thing to a Panzer or an Abrams). Here, I present to you, a picture of my first car:

1985 Chevrolet Caprice: Next best thing to a Panzer

I actually remember when my parents first bought this car. My brother and I thought it was the coolest thing ever that it had power windows. We would sit in our seats as calmly as possible, start to roll down the window, and glance over at the cars next to us so they could see us as our window rolled down effortlessly as if to say, no, those kids are NOT writhing back and forth vigorously in an effort to turn the window down, they have power windows. I think my favorite thing was to ask the people in the car next to us if they had any Grey Poupon. Remember those commercials? 

So Choice

The car served my parents well for the next 7 or 8 years...until I was licensed...that's when I decided to do other families all over the world a favor and test out the safety ratings on the car, and the blue beast learned its place in the world...

P.S. The 1985 Chevy Classic is a very safe car in an accident!!!


Coming up next: Attack of the Killer Garage

A glimpse into a typical morning...

How my Knee Surgery Solved our Defense Weapon's Budget Crisis

While recovering from an ACL (in the knee) surgery a few years ago, I learned that I with a simple brace and crutches, you have the privilege of getting unsolicited stories and advice from all kinds of people! I don't know how I could ever have survived this surgery without all of the wonderful advice from strangers... I was approached numerous times a day with well wishers, nosey people, and best of all... the one up-pers.... You know, the people who always have a story to counter yours? As I reminisce on this wonderful life experience, I would like to share some of the most memorable people from my knee-surgery journey.

My knee is WORST than yours!
I met a man at a children's birthday party-recognizing my brace he tells me that he, too recently had knee surgery...oh, but his is much worse. HIS doctor wheeled him to his car without any brace, crutches, OR pain medication. I was like, "really! wo-ow, you are so brave, tell me more!" *playfully bats eyes*

Grandma's Meth Support Group
My waitress for breakfast one morning asked me about my knee and promptly tells me of her son's accident when he cracked his patella. I'm not sure what happened to him but I'm guessing it involved meth. She relates this story to her grandchildren. Apparently, one day she was cooking for her daughter in law and she asked for a light. Sure, she says, and she goes to the back room to find her doing meth(trust me this was much longer in person). So grandma ever-so couragously scoops up all three grandkids and has been taking care of them ever since. She goes on to tell me that she couldn't support them on her $3.75/hr salary. (more tip, anyone?)

Oh, but the good news? Meth is an epidemic and there are support groups for these grannies who have to take care of meth parent's kids!

Mystery of the Missing Crutch
After a few weeks I only needed to use one crutch. I walked out of Target and some random man stops his vehicle to ask me if I am missing a crutch...ummmm....did you find a single crutch recently...or do you regularly carry around a spare? Why are you asking me this? Like all of a sudden I'm gonna be like, " NO WAY! I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE! NO WONDER MY KNEE HURTS!!! THANKS SO MUCH, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!"

ORTHROSCOPY?!?!
I was walking to my hotel after a very long drive. A man scared me to death by jumping out of nowhere like Spiderman or something and blurts out, "ORTHOROSCOPY?!?!" Thrown off, I blankly stare at him for a moment and mumble, "uh no, ACL reconstruction" and continued walking.

Insistent, he points to his knee dramatically and says, "Have to get orthroscopy in a couple 'a weeks." I look at his knee and it is TOTALLY gross. Seriously. That image is engrained in my memory forever. Luckily, you get my crappy powerpoint drawing of it.

Crappy drawing of a really ugly knee. I assure you it was very disgusting.

An Army of Gymnasts
A woman in the mall stops to ask me what happened and tells me that her daughter, too, had ACL reconstruction. She asked how I did it, and I told her it was during an Army obstacle course. "OH, SAME THING!" she says... "yeah, she was doing a triple super duper flip (some gymnastics thing) and landed wrong." umm, what? Last time I checked, we weren't going to war kicking enemy booty with our super duper flips... or could we?

The day hide and seek lost its charm

When I was about 11 my family had just moved to Germany and were staying in a hotel. My brother Dennis and I were sleeping in the room next to our parent's room. We were bored and decided to play hide-and-seek. It was rare at our ages (11 and 16) that he would want to play anything with me at all. I thought he finally deemed my 'cool enough' and I was 'in' with my brother. This was going to be awesome.

After a few rounds of the game, it was my turn to hide again. I found the perfect spot. He would NEVER have found me. My spot was in the cabinets coming down from the ceiling. It would seem a 12 year old would never fit into such and awkward and small space. Even being on the small side of 12 I had to contort myself into this cabinet. It was the most perfect hiding spot in the history of hide-and-seek. I was giggling the entire time I climbed up there.

As each minute passed, I commended myself on a job well done. I was awesome. He could not find me.

More time elapsed..

More time...okay, better take it easy on him. I started to make noises so he could 'find' me and noted to myself that later I would taunt him with the fact that I had to 'help' him find me.

I fell asleep. I woke up with uncomfortable pains in my body.

I had to get down. I wondered if my brother had gotten lost trying to find me. I felt terrible and imagined horrible scenarios as I walked the hallways of the hotel and tried to find my dear brother. What if he got lost? Did he tell my parents that he couldn't find me and now they were out looking for me? My kick ass hiding spot was soo going to get me in trouble.

Eventually I gave up and went to bed.

Early the next morning Dennis came back. He gloated as he told me that had gone out and went to the festival that was open a few blocks from our hotel. He USED me to go eat schnitzel and doner and over sized cookies (lebkuchen). He probably even danced with poodles. If you don't get the poodle reference go here: http://www.youtube.com/user/djflula#p/f/0/nxKivzjCFNg

And that is the day that hide and seek lost its charm.